JUST READ! ;)

i have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend
Until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that
trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of
lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other friends . To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl...
"Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.
"I can't"
"Why? You need to study at home?" I felt disappointment grabbing me.
"No... I am going to meet a friend...
He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word 'love' only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say 'I love you' before. To us, there weren't any anniversaries at all. He didn't say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days...200days... Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don't know why...
Then one day...
Me: Um, Jin, I ...
Jin: What...don't drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ......you....um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my 'three words' and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many...
Then one day came, my 19th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call I was disconned all my friends call just waiting for his call... But... lunch passed, dinner passed... and soon the sky was dark... he still didn't call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin...
Jin: Here...take this...
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What's this?
Jin: I didn't give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I'm going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen. Then I shouted... "Wait..."
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me...
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.
"I don't want to say...that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else."
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb... and I collapsed to the ground. He didn't want to say it easily... How could he.... I felt that... Maybe he is not the right guy for me...
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn't call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That's how those dolls piled up in my room... everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that... I saw him on a street... with another girl who was handing him a doll... He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me...as he touched the doll... I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell... Why did he gave these to me... Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls...In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that... it's going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn't help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual...
Me: I don't need it. Jin: What....why...
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don't need this doll, I don't need it anymore!! I don't want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
"I'm sorry" He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll...
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!! But he became a deaf and dumb person and ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then...
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
"Jin! Move! Move away!" I shouted... But he didn't hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
"Jin, move!" HONK~!! "Boom!" That sound, so terrifying.
That's how he went away from me. That's how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him... And after spending two months like a crazy person... I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days... when we were in love...
"One...two... three..." That was how... I started to count the dolls...
"Four hundred and eighty four... four hundred and eighty five..." It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly...
"I love you~, I love you~" I dropped the dolls, shocked.
"I....lo..ve...you??" I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
"I love you~ I love you~" It can't be! I pressed all the dolls' stomach as it piled on the side.
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
Those words came out non-stop. I...love you... Why didn't I realize that....That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn't I realize that he love me this much... I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it's stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the one that I was missing so much.
"Jo...Do you know what today is? We've been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn't say I love you.... Um... since I was too shy... If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you... everyday... till I die... Jo... I love you..."
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can't be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute...
For that... and for that reason... to me... it became courage... to live a beautiful life....

You Just Fly Away

i saw him for the first time but i didn’t felt anything towards him that time. time passed and he’s giving me special treatment, i never expected that i will love him eventually. i kept it inside cause i don’t want to lose him. i kept the feeling inside though i know that he already knew about it. months passed still his the only guy i want to spend the rest of my life, we are good friends, he doesn’t have a girlfirend so i’m free to love him the way i want it to be and it didn’t even bother him if that what i felt towards him.  i didn’t get anything from him, he just let go of  our friendship, and he didn’t care of my feelings that i am hurting. and no matter what i do to move on i still can’t cause i still love him despite of everything though i know its not right anymore, cause even friendship he doesn’t want it anymore.

SATURDAY!

hey guys! today is SATURDAY right? uhm...well seems that i have to study all the time because of mau tes di Al-Azhar, kyknya saturday hari ini ga ada bedanya sama hari senin-,- malah lebih parah asal lo tau, gue belajar dari baru buka mata, until now! and it's lyk 5-7 hours! gila ga? ya emang sih gue kebanyakan keluar-masuk kamar. tpkan sama aja-,- i'm stressed out! apalagi ditambah senin besok ada test physics! ARRGGHHH it's killing mee! & now...sangking bosennya dan gaada kerjaan, gue main pet society-,- astagaaaaaa :( well.....it's time for me to go, mau lanjut belajar lagi:D wish me luck for tomorrow guys! :)

with hug&kisses,
Zahwa Samodra Putri<3

TRUE FRIENDS!

 

A day w/ nanda, veda&alya

hey guys! i'm back! it's been a long time since my last post riteeee? yeah. and now i'm gonna share some stories! HA HA. i had a so much fun todayyy! ft alya nanda&veda. started at my house, when nanda came to my house. jadi kan nanda dateng kerumah gue pertamanya. dia dateng sendiri-,- wkwk terus kan gue tanya "sama siapa? alone?" "yes" dia bilang gitu haha poor her(?) udah gitu kan gue nunjukin scrapbook gue yang belom jadi itu ke nanda and she said, "bagus kok bagus" ...........and i was lyk "oh ya ya thanks:)" wk-_- terus kan abis itu nanda bilang kalo veda mau kerumah gue juga hehe. terus after nunggu......she came! haaa FINALLY! terus kita foto2. sumpahya...gue gaboong itu fotonya kenapa bisa perfect! wkwk. yaudah kita fotooo fotooo fotooo...terus abis itu kita kelaperan. then kita ke dialen, abis itu ketemu alya di dialen. ahaha udah sih gue juga mau share itu-,- wkwk udah deh ya daripada nanti makin lama disini makin ngelantur hahahaha, bye~~


with hug&kisses,
Zahwa Samodra Putri<3

HEY YOU!

Yes you, stop being unhappy with yourself. You're perfect. Stop wishing you looked like someone else. Stop trying to get attention frm those who hurt you. Stop hating your body, for face, your personality. Love them. Without those things you wouldn't be you. And why would you want to be anyone else? Be confident with who you are. Smile! It'll draw people in. If anyone hates on you because you are happy with yourself then stick your middle finger on the air and screw it. My happiness will not depend on other's anymore. I'm happy i love who i am. i love my imperfections. That makes me me. And 'me' is pretty amazing ☺

:D :) :| :'| :'(

Dear blogger, i'm not okay tonight. Feels lyk somethin' shocking the heart. I don't know why. & i'm tired of being fake. Fake of everything. The smile, the laugh that i gave it's all fake. & i know it'll end lyk :) this :| this :'| and this :'( Poor me. Yesterday night i felt really happy. And when i'm close my eyes. Sleep & than i woke up, I realized it is just a dream. A beautiful dream that you gave to me last night. Beautiful, isn't it?

I'M BAAAACKK!!!

hey bloggerrrr! miss meeeh? finally bb gue bener! RAAH seneng bft sumpah, sampe sampe td dikelas gue ngomongin 'bb gue balik dong bb gue balik dong' -,- haha nahya kan bb gue udah balik, sekarang gue bakalan sering sering posting lagi deyy! hufft, ya as-you-know gue kalo posting pasti gapenting(?) tp ya gitulah ya ketagihan bgt~ HA HA and now i'm addicted buat posting terus. so..........sorry guys, if my post itu gapenting. gasuka? don't read it :) ya yang jelas gue sekarang cuma pengen bilang kalo gue bakal aktif lagi di blog! yeayyy! well....sekarang gue mesti bikin pr bi dulu-,- pidato....hhh terus mau belajar economy kalo sempet -_- malesnya ganahan gan.  oke udah dulu ya, daripada makin lama makin ngelanturrr. ha ha bye:*

with hug&kisses,
Zahwa Samodra Putri